A little post Valentines Day post.
I think it’s a safe assumption that the majority of us have been raised to believe that our other half is out there waiting for us. That we are in fact, not whole until we find them. Creating this false narrative at an early age that being in a relationship completes us, and in turn when we are single, we should not feel fulfilled. I sometimes still run this worn down story in my mind as I serve couples at the restaurant I work in the evenings, or when I see people on the streets. I tell myself that I should have that, and that I too am not whole without my hand being tightly squeezed by someone else on the reg.
I also get to check off the whole ‘divorced or widowed’ section when filling out any documentation, fun. I’m divorced, not widowed just to be clear, so I have experienced the whole ‘this is the one’ phenomena. It's intense, it feels as though the universe has done some serious magic to connect you both together and you feel like you’re just one of the lucky ones. And when it ends, the world has in fact, ended. But not for long, ‘cause that shits not healthy, and we always get up.
Does this make me jaded? A part of me wants to say yes, but I’ve come to a more heart warming truth that I choose to believe, and it’s that we in fact have numerous soul mates.
This new belief makes me feel free, yet secure all at once. I have the ability to fall in love and/or connect with many people in many different ways.
I have to wonder why this isn’t discussed more.
But conditioning is real, and when we’ve been hammered in a story through Disney characters, rom-coms, and movies like the Notebook, it’s hard to wrap our minds around ideas that contradict these beliefs. To love more than one? To go into a relationship expecting it to end? What about polyamory?
To be fair, my parents divorced when I was three, and the only family I could look up to who were still married, ended up divorcing in my early twenties.
Maybe I am jaded, but also, maybe not.
As a twenty-eight year old queer single gal, I’m choosing to be consciously single. I’m choosing to not wait for ‘the one’ or ‘the next one.’ And for anyone who has been able to be single and absolutely love this ride, good on you sister, because that journey is a challenging one to embrace in this misogynistic society that we still soak up on the daily.. I’m just wrapping my head around it.
So consciously single does not mean that I am alone. BEING SINGLE, does not mean anyone is alone; I think we all as a collective need to remember this one. What I’m referring to is the fact that I’m experiencing this part of my life as if I would when I’m in a relationship. You know the early stages when you receive those texts and you get butterflies every time you read their name, it doesn’t even matter what they’ve said, they just thought of you and that's pretty dope. That’s kind of where I’m at, but with little 'ol me. I get butterflies every time I do something on my own, and I feel a sense of pride and deeper understanding of self.
I still go on dates. I still have sex. I still connect with other humans. And also, I don't if I don't want to.
I’m open to relationships when they will naturally arise, but I’m no longer planning out what New Cute Stranger and I would look like as an old and grey couple on our first few encounters. And ladies, I know I’m not the only person who does this, so don’t make that face. I KNOW YOU FEEL ME.
It’s a conscious effort to meet someone and allow the relationship to naturally run it’s course, because deep down we’re always thinking, maybe, that’s the one.
But what about when I meet someone and I really do want to be their one and only?
That’s where communication comes in. I’ve learned a lot about what not to do from my past relationship, and with a general understanding of our different love languages, Ayurvedic dosha’s, Human Design, and Astrological charts. I can see WHY we need to communicate what we want, need, and feel.
Guys, we are so different. To assume someone else can read our mind is some high school bs, sorry.. But also, they don’t teach us how to be in a loving, communicative relationship with another human. They don’t teach us about open relationships, polyamory, same-sex sex, or how to make both partners orgasim. Or maybe they do now, and I'm just hard core showing my age, but get my point.
We have to communicate, and when we do, we express our thoughts openly with our partner. We speak in a way that is kind, and with an understanding that they may not be on the same page, and that’s okay! This is the point of communication; to speak your truth and see if they feel you too. Because if they don’t, well now you know early on what works for the both of you and what doesn’t.
*Also, not a relationship guru, I just solidly feel like this is a general consensus from most people who are in healthy, open, communicative relationships.
So what does it mean to be single for you? Are you enjoying this chapter of your life? Soaking up every ounce of single gal growth you can take? What does being in a relationship mean for you? Are you open and honest with yourself and with your (potential) partner about what you truly want? Are you giving yourself time and space to do you boo?
We can practice being consciously partnered too.
The narrative we have running around today regarding relationships and being single is painfully outdated and limiting. It puts us into boxes that I just don’t feel like we need to be ticking off anymore. And the more people that share their views, the less alone and confined we can feel. I feel. You feel?
So if anything, I hope this gets you thinking.
Being single is beautiful.
Being in a relationship is beautiful.
We have the power to consciously choose how we feel in every chapter of our lives, we have a choice, and that's the real point.